I broke my website the other day and it seemed like the end of the world.

Maybe I should back up.

I woke up that morning feeling like “Why bother?” My depression was so heavy that I could barely drag myself out of bed. I sent out an announcement on Facebook that the store would be closed for the day. Days like that I am no good to anyone.

I think it is important, to be honest, and tell you that sometimes I am just Not Okay.

What happened between Wednesday and Thursday that made things look so different? I retraced my steps and nothing had really changed. I couldn’t put my finger on what has gone so wrong that I found myself in a pit of despair.

Thursday morning I had a plan to work on my website. I thought if I could make some progress then it would make me at least feel a little productive. The website has been my passion project this year. The idea was that my whole inventory would be visible on this site. If you have purchased any books from me via this website, then you know that I have an adjacent site (indielite), just for purchases. I can’t seem to get my POS to talk to my website and keep inventory updated and accurate, so I have the “indielite” site. Anyways, my plan Thursday was to work on my website and wait for the UPS truck while I was at the store.

So that morning I jumped on my website to update some inventory. I log into my website and see that I have some plug-in updates that need to be addressed. I update the plugins one at a time. The first three updated with no problem. The fourth one broke my site. I thought I could just fix it. I have fixed broken plug-ins in the past, so I went to my Filezilla and started messing around and completely broke my website. I started deleting things in an attempt to make my website work. I just made things so much worse.

There I was at the store, in a deep funk, feeling useless, and then I have broken the only way for customers to shop at my store. I sat down and distanced myself from the situation. I meditated for a few minutes. Then I tried something completely different and I was able to fix the problem with one click.

Once I fixed it, I was so so relieved. It was like a weight off my shoulders. Fixing one thing made me feel so good. Being able to handle that one seemingly major thing made me feel better about everything else.

I got the news last night that I am being ordered to close That Book Store, starting this coming Tuesday, until April 22nd. At first, I panicked. My store will not survive one month without income. I went round and round on how unfair this was, how the timing is horrible, how much revenue my store will lose. I went to bed knowing in my soul that I was going to lose the store.

I woke up this morning in a completely different headspace. Most small businesses could not survive without income for a month. Most people could not survive a month without income. This is a very unique situation and completely out of my control. We’re all in this together. I am not alone. It’s going to be okay because I am not alone.

Today I am going to go back to working on my website. It won’t fix what is about to happen, but it will give me something to do to feel productive.